Last New Years, I started a ritual of recaping all of my achievements and failures at the start of a new year. Despite the pandemic, this year has been hands down my most functional and successful year since I entered adulthood. So let’s step back a minute and do a brief rundown of the steps I took in 2019 to position myself for 2021.
So, in the spring of 2019, my life was a culmination of turmoil. Close family members were dying. I was losing friends. My heart was broken. My bank account was low. My academic tenacity gone. And, to top it all off, I broke my ankle and temporarily lost my mobility for weeks. In terms of low points, I was hitting rock bottom. There were many nights, unbeknownst to the friends I had left, that I cried myself to sleep and felt as if I was becoming untethered. So, like most humans who go through the trials of life, I was forced to evaluate who I was, who I wanted to be, and how I was going to get there.
When I saw who I was. I barely recognized her. Instead of the confident and hopeful woman I had always prided myself on being, it was a woman who stood directionless and fearful. A woman who projected on the world her own insecurities and excuses. Or more simply, a woman that I did not like. The next step was asking myself, “What created the woman before me?”. I realized, that this husk of who I was, was the culmination of months of self neglect and doubt. And just like an antidote that needs to be created from its own poison, I decided that for one year I would act without self-doubt.
For one year, I would treat myself to the highest form of self-care I could and give myself space to rediscover my way. It was my last summer as an undergrad. The last period of my life in which I could elect to do things fully on my own time. So, I pulled back from friends and social commitments (after notifying them of course haha). I pursued a temporary life of asceticism, sat my own version of Shiva, meditated, read, wrote, and played instruments. To the untrained eye, it looked as if I had decided to completely pull away from the world. But, in this period, I had never felt more connected to my personhood and to what mattered most to me. It was in this time, that I moved on by letting go of my anger at others and at myself.
It was a cleansing time, where I simplified my life in all realms of its possessions. I ended toxic relationships. I battled with my own hangups. But most importantly, I refortified my mind to believe in itself, again. When fall came, I intentionally made the last minute decision to add courses to finish a difficult major in my last year. I enrolled in a data analytics training program. I dared myself to apply for roles at top companies. Not only that, but I helped to start a campus organization. I pushed myself to network with local politicians. I pushed myself to pass comfort, because I wanted to show my mind and my heart, that it was powerful. And that I, was enough.
By winter of 2019, I found out that fortis fortuna adiuvat was not merely a cliché statement of perseverance, but a reality. Fortune did favor me for my efforts. I successfully graduated with that last minute major. I got my first IT certification. I received a job offer from a top tech company. I got closer to my family. I received an offer to work as an aid for a senator. I healed my broken heart. I walked again.
And at the end of 2019, I proved to myself, that I could manifest the life I wanted. That I deserved the life I wanted. I entered 2020 with bright eyes and the hunger to achieve more. But, as we all know, Covid-19 changed what achievement would look like for me in 2020. In truth, I did not accomplish as much as I wished I had in 2020, but I persevered nonetheless. I moved to a new city, started my career, got my first place. I continued to strengthen personal relationships and start new relationships too. I committed myself to actually expanding my blog base. I lost weight. I completed two semesters of cyber engineering work.
I did all of this by committing to the New Year’s resolutions I formed in 2019. Some of these resolutions were.
- If someone says they aren’t good for you, believe them
- Do not internalize the wrong that others commit against you
- When you have wronged someone, rectify the wrong if possible
- Prioritize those that prioritize you
- If you are struggling, seek help from someone that has already overcome the difficulty
- If you fail, you are not a failure
- Know when to cut your losses, both with people and things
- This too, shall pass
- No one is coming to save you and your trials are not special, move accordingly
- There is a fine line in helping others and martyring yourself, know the difference
- Closure is a lie
So, although 2020 was a year of upheaval, I was able to pull myself through another hell of a year by staying consistent with the woman I built in 2019. So, I write this post to emphasize that if the events of 2020 has left you unraveled, you are not alone. This state is temporary, and it is statistically unlikely that difficult times will always remain. So, before you write that list of 2021 resolutions or goals, start by outlining the steps to discipline your heart and mind. The rest will soon follow.
ModBlackFemme 